Every Step...

Wow. 10 days. That's a long to time to go without posting...
But I've had an excuse. I've had a whole hell of alot on my mind of late, trying to figure where to go with my life next, I haven't been able to get anything out of me but some drawing. At least I have that when I can't write...
But the decison is made! the experiment is at a close. I shall return home for the moment. And by the gods, I'm gonna be Ok with that.
I make my life so hard sometimes. I guess we all do at certain moments. It's too easy to see and focus on those things that we don't have, or haven't accomplished that we put up a wall around those things that we do have or have accomplished. I could not be more guilty of that...
Paul Williams once wrote (in a wonderful book of immaculate mantras called Das Energi that I highly recommend to anyone needing inspiration): "Don't try to find yourself."
That's it.
That's the only sentence on that page.
And reading it again this time, it struck a pretty serious chord with me. I've been so concerned, so DESPERATE, to find my place, my calling, my WHATEVER, that I don't ever stop to appreciate where I am and what I have to offer in the moment. It's a curse, you know, being creative. The end results of creativity always spotlight it as something of a blessing, because you have CREATED something to share, but only the creative know how fucking hard hard it is to get to the end result. Our culture is so money-oriented, so intent on success, that the creative sect very rarely has a confidently "profitable" place in society. It's hard to see our (my) worth in that sense, and it is a constant, difficult, unrelenting struggle to follow that path. I guess I never figured it would be that hard since creativity came to me so easily...
But I have to stop trying so hard to find myself.
I have to see me as a process. A process no different than the creative process. There will be highs. There wil be lows. There will be moments of inspiration, and there will be moments of stagnation...
But the process has to continue.
As I wrote in my very first entry, it will all lead to "the end result of me".
And I HAVE to be OK with that.
And I will.
"Every step made prevents you from standing still."
I made that up. At least, I feel pretty confident I did.
Now I just need to be confident in my belief of it.

I am going home.
And that is OK.

Only in four words...

It's pretty late here.
I'm very tired now.
Week's been good, though.
Well, sort of has.
Car is broken AGAIN.
Friends are good here.
I miss MY friends.
There are options HERE.
There are options THERE.
What do I do?
Wish I could slpit.
Send one back home.
Keep one right here.
Then decide the best...
I will decide soon.
Must get up early.
Taking the car in.
Hope for inexpensive repair.
It's pretty late here.
I'm very tired now.
Not alot to say.
Needed to type something.
Only in four words...

1+1=1

When called upon to make a choice,
I oft consult an "inner voice".
Another me that waits inside,
to play out the role of foil or guide.
This me is contentious, and is inspired to argue.
But without this perspective, I lack a clear purview.
When I relish the day, he cherishes night.
When I lean to the left, his weight's on the right.
But why have this opponent? What's his purpose to life?
Why offer such counsel and, as quickly, breed strife?
To whom am I speaking when I ask "Yes or No?"
And if he's me in the first place, why didn't I know?
Every person can hear this voice from within,
For each of our heads can go into a spin...
Just seems strange that our minds, when all's said and done,
are obviously two, but regarded as one...

The simplest of entries...

Still have lots and lots on the brain, so nothing profound to say...
But a blog is a personal responsibilty to one's self, and by gum, I'll make an entry to make an entry.

We did go to a very cool art show downtown last night. A studio full of Artists in Residence pawning off their UNBELIEVABLY overpriced pieces. But I must admit, some of it was quite impressive. Made me wish I had been willing to put up with painting courses, or even taken some sculpting courses. There was one sculptor who worked in types of marbles and sandstones and almost all of his pieces were divine explorations of the human form. So well executed. So expensive. Also in his room was an example of one of the great dangers of modern art: The Overanalysts. A gaggle of woman came in, one of whom "absolutley had to come in this room every time", and she was spouting off to her friends the psychological significance of the pieces. The artist himself asked if he could record her, because there was no way he could come up with that by himself. I left when she got into the remorse of leaving the mother's womb...
Yeah, I'm sure that's what the guy was thinking when he carved boobs into marble.
At any rate, at an average of $1100 dollars for large paintings and $3500 for most sculptures, I'm in the wrong kind of art!

I wish I were clever enough to use high art to say things about stuff.
There was free beer and wine there, too. I like beer.

But I digress...
Still lots to think about.
Still not very much time to do so.

I wish I could play poker professionally. I make so much money when the money isn't real.
'Sup with that?

If control is an illusion, how do airplanes fly?

March has begun.
Four straight months of unemployment...
With very little sitting on the horizon.
Apparently, we are moving to the other side of the metropolitan area at the end of this month...
The result of a three day decision-making process.

I AM trying to stay optimistic about of all of this...
Despite my Spider-Sense tingling every second that I am awake.

What SHOULD I do?
Do I simply continue to "adapt" to this situation because HERE is not THERE and THERE was providing only stagnation?
What SHOULD I do?
Do I trust that I do still have a place HERE?
I am learning a new breed of patience.
I have begun to accept that control is an illusion.
Have I learned enough to apply it anywhere if I have to? Even if I have to return home before I want to?
The circumstances HERE are going to continue to change even after the move...
Am I going to be able to live with them?
Everything fit so well in this apartment. I'm not even certain everything in my room now will fit in the new room.
I will need a comfortable room to retreat to...
Living with a couple makes one's room a sanctuary.

What SHOULD I do?
Do I still belong on this path? Or I am being shown the reasons to start again on another one? Is synchronicity forcing my hand? How many "tests" am I supposed to take in a row? How many smiles do I fake before I get to the one that's real?

Damn it. I was JUST starting to feel settled...
But really, I JUST unpacked. I JUST learned all of the streets around me. I JUST started talking to all of the neighbors...

Stiff upper lip and all that jive. Grin and bear it is the ONLY option of the moment.
The effort to be happy in the face of life's bullshit must continue.
But I still can't deny that I AM NOT a "Rainbows, dewdrops and sweet, yummy lollipops" kind of guy.
I'd still take a shot of whiskey, a smoke and a rainy night at a jazz bar before anything else!

"Que sera, sera" as they say.